“Do you mind closing your eyes?” David grins at me.
We’re in the park, sitting on the checkered blanket that is spread out on the grassy green ground. David planned all of this. It was his idea to have dinner out in the open. He did everything, when I mean he did everything; I mean everything. He cooked the food; he brought the candles and all of that neat stuff. I just had to show up.
The air smells fresh; it’s cold against my warm cheeks. The street lamps are flickering once in a while with bugs flying around the glass case. The moon isn’t visible but the stars are. The sky is filled with twinkling stars. The unwashed china went into the basket, leaving us space to stretch our legs out and enjoy the atmosphere.
“Yeah, sure,” I say then closed my eyes.
“Um, no peeking!” his voice is shaking with excitement (I can tell).
I put my palms over my eyelids to assure him that I won’t peek as he reaches for something. I hum softly, waiting for him to ask me to open my eyes.
“Okay! You can open your eyes now!” he chirps with so much glee.
My eyelids fling themselves open.
His lips formed a wide grin, his eyes sparkled under the lights, and in his palm is a small blue velvet box.
I swear, I stopped breathing for a moment and heard something shattering.
This is too soon, I think.
“Umm…” I press my lips together.
“I know it’s not much but… It’s… Much… In a way,” he smiles the most crooked smile ever.
Everything starts to come to me: he decides to start dating seriously; we’ve been together for quite some time. Argh, how long has it been?
He cracks open the case, unveiling the piece of shining gold, “I kind of… I’ve been thinking lately… That it has been over years since I came back and maybe we should—”
Oh, that’s right. It’s been two years since he came back. Wow, time flies.
“We should…” he continues stammering over his words that made my heart wrench in happiness but confusion. What’s going on?
He sighs heavily and asks me, “Can I start over again? I’m so sorry.” He then laughs at his clumsiness.
I nod slowly; still my lips are pressed together. This time, it’s forming a thin line.
“I know I’m doing this on such short notice but… something’s telling me to do it now. I just went with it and I just want to tell you how much you mean to me,” he pauses for a brief moment. “Things have been going well between us, hasn’t it?”
Well, he’s not lying. It has been going well.
I nod again.
He continues on, “The reason why I took you out tonight and did… did all of this—” he makes a gesture at the overflowing picnic basket, “is so that I could make a proper proposal. The one I think you deserve to have.”
Just to make things clear, we never talked about marriage. It’s not that we’re avoiding it; it’s just that it has never been brought up. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. All I can do now is just to listen to his on-going speech.
“I wish to continue my life with you in it. I…I love you. I really do. It took me time to realize it. I love the fact that you’re understanding and didn’t rush this relationship like any one would.”
Did he just describe his perfect relationship? And that relationship he described is ours?
His fingers smooth over the matching velvet cushion, letting the gold gleam in the lights; just like his eyes. He leans forward, meeting me eye-to-eye and gesturing me the box subtly.
I gingerly take it from his palm. The velvet is, of course, smooth. The box is so tiny in my hands. I take a closer look at the shining gold and see a shape forming—a circular structure.
“It’s a necklace…” he murmurs. “I wanted to get you something different.”
My heart starts to swell up. He thinks I’m different? That’s not the first.
This is all too much to process. This is the first time he has ever said the three words, and the speech was… sort of all over the place. But it was still wonderful.
Problem now is that what is my answer?
I ease my fingers underneath the pendant. The structure is tiny. I bring it up to meet my eyes; a compass.
Not an actual compass that points to North all the time. No, it’s just a piece of gold carved into a compass. It’s breathtaking. I’ve never had anyone getting me these things. The pendant hung freely on the gold rope-like chains.
“Get it? Because you’re a palaeontologist. The compass is to show that you’ll always find your way back home.”
I laugh dryly. I look up at him; he’s inches away from me. His skin looks tanned and smooth from what I see. His cheeks and lips are in the colour of a faint shade of red.
He tucks a few strands of my hair behind my ear, leans in and kisses my temple.
“Will you love me the way I will?” his tone turns vague. It could be the tone between anxiety and trying to contain his excitement. It’s hard to tell. I don’t know.
I knew it was going to be a hard decision. But under all the circumstances right now, I can’t. It pains me to say it and admit it to myself as well. How do you suppose I’m going to tell him I can’t… do it?
“David,” I start, placing the box on the blanket. “David, right now isn’t a good time to propose. You know that, right?”
The light in his eyes dies out. He looks down and mutters under his breath, “I know…”
I put the necklace back to its box, and close it.
“I’m sorry…” I whisper.
I take his hand, and put the box in his palm. He looks up at me as I outline his jaw.
“Is there any way you can postpone?” he continues to mumble. I look into his eyes. His hazel orbs radiated his expression to me: disappointed, upset, and devastated.
I shook my head, “David, I want to do this.”
“You can’t leave. It’s too soon,” he starts to whimper quietly.
Just then, something suddenly hits me.
I can’t leave but he gets to leave years ago. I didn’t say anything! Yet he says something when I’m about to go away to a research facility overseas for a big exploration project. This is unfair. Why is he acting like this? It’s so… unlike him.
Maybe I guess I didn’t think he’s the person I thought he is.
My hand drops from his jaw line, I inch away from him slowly, and I feel my blood boiling.
“You left for two years whereas I’m going to leave for a couple of months. I didn’t say anything when you said you’re leaving to do this Mormon thing! But in my case, you just spoke out!”
“What!?” he gets taken aback. “It was my calling!”
I stand up with my fists clenched to my sides. He does the same.
“Well, it’s my calling to go! Can’t you wait?! I waited for two whole years for you to get back! I don’t see the problem with you waiting for a couple of months!” I feel my vocal cords vibrating all of a sudden.
I’m bringing out a side of David that I would never wish on my worst enemy. His eyebrows met each other at one point and his lips are pulled back into a snarl.
“I can’t let you go!” he stomps his foot on the ground.
I take a deep breath and let it all go, “Let’s settle this back home. I’d hate to make a mess in public.”
He mutters with his arms crossed, “Fine.”
***
I swear the room is practically shaking from all the yelling, screaming and banging of furniture. I’ve never been so furious in my life. I’m not petty, I promise. This is my career we’re talking about. I can actually make a scientific breakthrough and bring home a ton of dough. While David was gone on some spiritual journey and came back with lessons. That’s all.
I love my job. I don’t see any reason whatsoever to stop me from doing it.
“I’m not asking you to stop doing your job!” he yells from across the living room of our apartment.
“Well it seems like you’re heavily implying on it,” my words start to pierce through him. I can see how hurt he looks whenever I talk back.
“No, I’m definitely not! I don’t want to see you get brutally injured again!” he marches towards me. He yanks my arms, “Do you see this?!”
He turns them over, letting me see the streaks of red, pink and dark brown. One is sliced from my shoulder to my elbow on my right arm and a few cuts together with purple and dark green bruises. On my left arm, a few more cuts and bruises that are still in the process of healing.
I jerk my arms away from his tight grip, “That happened last year. Get over it!”
He steps back, “No, I won’t! You fell from a great height while climbing a volcano in Iceland! You suffered a fatal concussion for weeks! You know how worried I was?!”
“It’s MY job to get injured! No one asked you to babysit me! I was completely fine without you!” I point at him. For a cold room, the atmosphere is heating up really quick.
He’s so infuriating! Why is he overreacting over my injuries?! They’re just injuries after all! I’m still walking, and breathing normally. What’s there to worry about for this expedition?
Finally, his shoulders slump, his eyes closed for a few moments and he sighs loudly. I did the same after that.
“Do you even know what you’re up against for this research trip?” he asks slowly.
“Yes!” I reply vigorously.
“It’s dangerous. You and I both know it.”
“David, it’s just hills in Nepal.”
“They’re not just hills! They’re part of the Himalayas! Last time I checked lots of people died from the harsh blizzards, and the extreme altitude and they end up falling from a height. You’re so arrogant! You think you can handle yourself. Look at your scars! You can’t even balance yourself!”
An airy moment arises.
“I’m going to hate myself if I let you be one of them. I spent days by your side, waiting for you to come back to a state of mind. I couldn’t go back home because I’m afraid something would happen to you if I was gone.”
He’s really starting to get under my skin. This makes me wonder why we’re still together after months and months. We fought for so long, I’ve completely lost track of time. This idiot doesn’t understand the initiatives of a project if they hit him in the face.
“Shut up, just, please, shut up. You’re wasting my time and my breath,” I put up my hand to call for a ceasefire. My eyes trail to the door. “Get out.”
“What?! You can’t kick me out—” he starts again.
“GET OUT,” my voice booming to all parts of the apartment. The water in the flower pot on the coffee table shook.
His face had gone ruddy and his nose is flared. Since he was by the door, might as well ask him to get out.
David makes a sharp turn to the door and slams it hard.
I feel so disgusted with everything. How could he? That impatient, self-righteous prick! I can handle myself. You try scaling a huge mountain side to get to an uninhabited cave for ten hours (including breaks)! He wouldn’t last five metres.
I plop myself on the couch. I’m surprised that we left the place unharmed. Good, because I can’t risk having this place trashed.
I sit in silence for a while. Analyzing based on what happened a few minutes ago.
Out of the blue tears welled up in my eyes. I feel them forming in the bottom of my eyes. My heart feels like as if a thousand pins jabbed into it. My muscles had loosened themselves and now they are stationary—no matter how hard I try to prop myself up to get to bed, I just couldn’t. My temple is throbbing. My nose gives me a sharp pain before letting itself run.
My salty tears roll down my cheeks continuously. Regardless of what I tried to do to get myself to bed, it all seemed to fail.
What did you just do? I think.
I’m the idiot. I let one of the most important people slip away from right under me.
However that doesn’t give me a good enough reason to not go for the project. I badly need this. I guess I’m going to have to settle this problem when I get back.
Question: are we broken up?
Some part of me wishes that we hadn’t fought because of my career. Another part of me regretted absolutely nothing. Then the other one wanted to go after him and ask if we’re over.
I decide to neglect all of them. Tonight—I have to admit—was tiring.
***
That’s the last thing in the bag.
I’ve just finished up packing for my expedition. My flight is four hours away and I need to be at the airport by the next hour. I haven’t seen David since the big fight. Funny thing is that he didn’t come back to claim his possessions. I didn’t care where he had gone to for I am still upset and I’m guessing he still is too.
If anything happens on this expedition, bad or good, David is nowhere near anything. As I remember that he counted himself out from the project. If he doesn’t support me then fine. That’s his choice and problem, not mine.
I’m not running off to find him either. My friend thinks I’m just being melodramatic.
She just doesn’t get it.
Whatever.
I rush out to the door with my luggage. I exit the building, bidding the doorman one last goodbye for now. The wave of hot air crashes on my skin. The humidity is intense during summer; it feels impossible to reach a temperature like this.
A hand firmly squeezes my shoulder out of nowhere. I instantly turn around.
“I’m sorry.”
The flat jet black hair, the hazel eyes that are now filled with guilt and sorrow, and the faded colours in his cheeks and lips are all in front of me again.
I sucked in some air before saying, “I have to go.”
He lets go of my shoulder.
For someone who’s been away from awhile without grabbing his things, he’s in pretty good shape. But his expression doesn’t tell me the exact thing.
“I know. Can we settle this when you get back?” he forces a wry smile. “I’m willing to wait.”